Getting back to normal is the hardest journey.

Whether you already have children or not, your return from China will be fundamentally different from any other trip you have taken. Yes, you may have experienced jet lag; you may have been away for two weeks; you may have come home from the hospital with a newborn. But probably not all three situations at once.

As I was drafting this essay, and thinking of the mistakes I made around our homecoming, this diagram kind of sketched itself: (For the sake of argument, let’s say this hypothetical family is returning to a town near Memphis...)

That’s 28 and a half hours, and don’t think you’ll have had anything more than a catnap in that time. (Most of the parents in our travel group got nothing, including us, although our little girl slept quite soundly.)

And the even bigger truth is that you probably haven’t had all that much sleep in the preceding couple nights, either.

By the time you’ve made it to your front door, your survival instincts are all that’s keeping you together, and you’re in really rough emotional shape. A running list of “things keeping me going / first thing to do when walking in the door,” as listed by fellow travelers:

1. •Stick my head under the faucet and drink tap water
   

2. •A bathroom with my own toilet paper
   

3. •Stand outside and breathe the air
   

4. •Get our daughter out of that diaper immediately
   

5. •Hug the dog
   

6. •Cry for about an hour
   

7. •Crank up the air conditioning
   

8. •Eat any thing that isn’t eggs or ham (past three airline meals)
   

9. •Take a shower & brush teeth without fear of swallowing the water
   

10. •Change into clothing I haven’t worn almost every other day
    

11. •(add more to the list! Write us at weninchinainfo@mac.com)
    

Things you are physically incapable of doing for a day or two:

1. •Drive - not because of the jetlag, although that alone would be enough to get you pulled over. It’s because your mind is totally re-wired to think like a Chinese driver. For weeks, you’ll be wondering where all the other cars are, and how easy it would be to pull a left turn across traffic when the lights are against you. You are going to have to teach yourself how to behave behind the wheel. For the trip home, plan on taking a taxi or a SuperShuttle instead...
   

2. •Cook - when was the last time you actually did anything more complicated than making formula? No, your dining room does not feature a buffet between 7 and 10 am. Ask your friends / family to load up your refrigerator a day or two before your return with good homemade comfort foods.
   

3. •Go to the bathroom - you’ve experienced China Colon Syndrome, now you’ll have to work your body back to normal. It’s not a happy process.
   

4. •Sleep - yes, it’s what your body wants most, but you’re now a half-day out of sync, and westbound travel is much harder on you than eastbound. Your little one has no idea what time it’s supposed to be, how the bedtime routine goes in this strange new place, and what all these smells are, so that means you’ll be up several times a night.
   

5. •Pay bills, go to soccer practice, watch bland TV, make minor household repairs, mow the lawn. Just isn’t going to happen the day after you get home...
   

What is this essay leading to?

I’ve tried to make the point that you’ll be exhausted, barely able to take care of yourself, cranky, and a general hazard to navigation for a day or two after your arrival.

Is it really a good idea to have your family come over right away - or waiting for you at your home when you get there?

Our agency said, “wait two weeks before introducing the grandmas, grandpas, aunts and uncles.” That seems too extreme.

But consider these other things:

1. •Your child barely knows you, much less your family. She needs to explore her new house, meet a dog for the first time (!), figure out where the potty is and where the books and toys go. She still has a whole bunch of attachment issues to start sorting out, and she may change her behavior radically. Is this the time to add another half-dozen people who want to get in her face and shove toys at her? Is she going to react well in that situation?
   

2. •Your child may very well be physically ill when you get home. You’ve been vaccinated against a host of tropical diseases. Your family has not.
   

3. •Do you and your spouse have to juggle which relatives get which holidays? Is that any kind of stress? Now imagine an event that takes place only once in all the universe.
   

This may be the hardest set of expectations to deal with. They’ve been there with you all this way, sharing your frustrations through the paperwork and dossiers and evaluations and the long, long wait. They’ve followed your blog religiously, traveling vicariously through your words and pictures. You may be excited, but you’ve had the pleasure of holding and hugging and bathing and feeding your child. They’re only imagining how wonderful it is. So you can’t blame them for wanting to be with you immediately, or for wanting to have a magical first-meeting bonding experience with your child.

You have to know your family, know your self, and know that it’s OK to ask for some time. Only you know how much time that should be, and it’s likely going to be a different figure than you anticipated before you left for China.

Be up front with your family before your trip - it is not rejection, it is not passing judgment. It is a matter of giving you the chance to reintegrate and become yourself again, and giving your child a chance to feel rooted before making any further changes to her world.

Rest, reflect, monitor and adjust. When the time is right, then make the call for your folks to come by.